Some days, "trying to get pregnant" is hard...
Like when Paul read on Facebook the other day that one of our youth group 'kids' got his 18-year old girlfriend pregnant, and they weren't even trying to have a kid.... but he's "excited to be a dad." Really?! You're pregnant, and it's not even in the context that God intended! My cheeks were instantly wet and I choked out the words "so this is when it starts getting hard" and Paul held me.
Another hard day was my last doctor's appointment. I had an meeting with an infertility nurse in Vancouver. Paul and I drove nearly an hour for a rather unprofessional, impersonal, unorganized appointment. (She didn't have my paperwork in front of her, was using someone else's office, couldn't figure out how to take my blood pressure because her machine was unplugged, didn't turn the lights on in the office, and was texting her daughter during our appointment. Thanks, lady. I drove all the way here for you to ask me questions I've already told my doctor. Thanks, Burgerville, for the redemptive milkshakes on our way home.) More tests, more appointments.
I've been warned of the difficult parts of trying to conceive. I've been advised to "not let bitterness show its ugly head" and that there can be tension when someone else announces her pregnancy. I experienced this first hand at Bible Study when a friend announced she was expecting her third child. (I swear, something is in the water there!)
I wanted to celebrate and cry at the same time. I pasted on a grin, let out an "awwwe" and let my other friends do the cheering.
And then I came home to a kitchen full of dirty dishes and stood at the sink until Paul came home. Eyes burning, hands scrubbing, words faltering, I choked out: "God, I know You are good. God, I know Your timing is perfect. Help me to trust You. Help me with my unbelief." Then I worried that I made my new mama-friend feel bad for sharing her good news.
So I texted Paul:
Me: "Just got home from Bible study. Guess who is having another baby? Of course I'm happy for her, but was hit with a wave of sadness, too..."
Paul: "Do you need your Paulie?"
Me: "Always do!"
Me: "It's ok... going to think/pray/process for a bit while doing the dishes.
Paul: "On my way."
Five minutes later, Paul came home to my sorry state and wrapped me in his arms. Then he cupped my face with his hands and told me he loved me. Then, in his wisdom, he gently asked me if I should text my friend and make sure she knew I was happy for her.
So I did.
Me: "Wanted to let you know that I'm really happy for you! I hope you don't feel like you have to stifle your excitement around me - felt like I needed to tell you that."
Her: "Thank you El! I really appreciate you, and your openness about your journey. I'm really sorry if I made you feel weird... wasn't my intention. You are a kind and thoughtful friend, thanks for sharing in our joy."
Me: "You didn't at all. Just wanted you to know. :)"
Thank you, God, for understanding friends and my best-friend-husband. I am surrounded by people who will support me and love me through my struggles, and for that I am grateful.