I remember the date clearly: October 1st, 2011.
We'd been married for two years and took a belated Anniversary vacation to Sun River for a quiet weekend away. It was there that Paul told me he was ready to start a family. It was there that we sat in the hot tub and dreamed together about our future children, prayed for wisdom in parenting, prayed for their future spouse, and cried tears of joy together that we were both ready to be parents.
We were ready to embark on the biggest adventure of our married lives.
We were ready to share our lives/home/families with another.
We were welcoming the challenge and the adventure.
Naive as it sounds, we were not ready for the waiting which lied ahead.
What I didn't fathom at the time or prepare myself for (who does?), was the time in which it would take for our dream to become a reality. The "pregnant pause," if you will.
Two years of frustrating appointments and health complications.
Various approaches to natural medicine. Acupuncture, chiropractic visits, a no-sugar diet.
Herbal teas and supplements.
Prenatal vitamins, ovulation predictor kits and an unreal amount of feminine products.
Two painful, invasive procedures. Blood tests which have yet to show improvement.
And lots & lots of waiting...all while teenagers within my community are having babies outside of marriage and I'm having none.
Ironically and unintentionally, we found ourselves at Sun River during the exact same weekend as we had been two years prior. Two years ago, I would have fully expected we'd be with child by now -- if not in our arms, then at least in my belly.
Instead, we were still uttering the same the same prayer that has occupied our lips, minds, and hearts for the past 730+ days.
During that time, I have identified with the woman in the Bible who suffered from prolonged bleeding. I could picture myself reaching out to touch Jesus' cloak as he walked by, believing in His healing power. There have been moments where I genuinely, without a shadow of a doubt, believed the timing was now. And I've been wrong over and over again.
I have identified with the persistent widow who prayed until the judge changed his mind. I have found myself questioning why I still have to plead with God to give me the deepest desire of my heart when He already knows it all too well.
God is delaying the answer to my need which has caused me to consider how I receive God's silence. Do I trust God in the delay? Could I be right where he wants me to be, right now?
I've been reflecting on the story of Lazarus, thanks to some notes from summer camp.
Jesus knew Lazarus was sick, yet he stayed put for two days and let him die. My finite mind immediately thinks "Jesus could have saved him! Why did he put so many people through the misery and mourning of his death when He could've stopped it?" Of course, Jesus, in his infinite wisdom, knows best. It's the Sunday school answer and it's the truth. There is always purpose and God is always right on time. Even in my situation.
I am well aware that I am not alone in my journey of infertility, which is why I'm sharing about it on my blog. It's a way for me to process and for others to identify.
In case you haven't asked lately or haven't known how to bring it up, I hope this is helpful. We could get pregnant tomorrow and I'd still be glad I wrote today. I am growing increasingly more aware of the pain of delayed answers and know I can relate to some people better because of it, whether it's about wanting a baby or not.
I'm sad sometimes, and growing our family is on my mind every. single. day. But I'm ok. I really am.
I have the best husband of 4 years who believes FOR me when it's hard to believe for myself.
I have an incredible community of prayer warriors who are pleading my cause.
I have a business that has renewed my joy, purpose and calling and I am dressing up to go grocery shopping "just in case someone asks me about my jewelry so I can tell them about our artisans."
I'm making silly music videos with my 9th grade small group girls and winning awards because of it.
I am running 4 days a week with a friend.
I'm learning and growing and becoming.
And all the more ready to be a mom.