Tuesday, March 20, 2007

His voice

It´s day 5 and I´m still sick; I think I have the flu. My misery over the past several days has allowed me to cry out to God (literally) from my tossing and turning, moaning and groaning, coughing and crying.
It was a fairly sleepless night. I returned home early from Cara´s, feeling weak and frustrated by my sick body. I crawled into bed letting my tears fall, and allowed my voice to whisper the one name I knew I needed: ¨God!¨ In a brief reprieve from my coughing, I heard ¨My daughter, I have you here.¨
The only song I wanted to listen to on my iPod was by Late Tuesday: ¨103 and Other Things.¨ I turned it on, and it showed I had NO battery power left. I tried the song anyway, and ended up listening to it three times. These words spoke to me and challenged me:

My heart is empty it is broken
My mind is restless it is torn
And all the thoughts inside me run rampant
And my doubts are all the words I can afford
Within the caverns of my intellect
I am screaming for reprieve
From the rebellion that keeps me from surrender
From a future that you hold I can’t believe
Praise the Lord, oh my soul
Oh heart that is within me praise the power of His name
Praise the Lord, oh my soul
Oh heart that is within me praise His wisdom and His grace
When I know nothing more, tell my soul to praise the Lord
Amidst the pain of my diseases
Will I believe that you are good?
And just to those who have known such oppression
Is your love enough to melt away my fear?
Praise the Lord, oh my soul
Oh heart that is within me praise the power of His name
Praise the Lord, oh my soul
Oh heart that is within me praise His wisdom and His grace
When I know nothing more tell my soul to praise the Lord

I definitely was not excited about praising the Lord for my bed-ridden misery. I really did have to ask myself, ¨Do I believe You are good?¨

I chose to read another card from my HAC staff yesterday, in which I was reminded that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28) Through calamity, sickness, and struggles, God does good things.

I think it`s harder here than I like to admit. Maybe it´s because I feel cushioned from the joy I receive from from my team, my B-family, and letters. Maybe it`s because I`m growing accostomed to life here. Maybe I just don´t want to admit it.

4 comments:

katie said...

i love you.

ryanmortinson said...

you could try leeches... i hear they help with disease...

i am praying always.. no joke.

Stefanie said...

Sweet girl...your honesty in weakness is SUCH a blessing.It sounds like the "teaching" portion of this trip has gone into full-swing, huh? I'm thinking of you and praying for you often!! I'm SO proud of you and so grateful to the Lord for the mighty refining work He's doing.

2 Cornithians 4:14 "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

I LOVE YOU.

Jessi said...

It's funny how Late Tuesday seems to be a salve to the soul so many different times.

I wish that I had wisdom beyond my hears to give to you, or magic beans to transport me over there...but instead I offer you hugs from afar, and my prayers always that the Lord would be near and comfort you. So many people are seeing Jesus because of you!

I love you dearly, and I am joining with you in the question of "Do I believe that the Lord does good things." But I'm glad I'm not the only one asking it.

Love to you always, and constant prayers,

Jess