Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Leaving, on a jet plane

I just remembered I forgot to bring everyone's medical forms. You know, the ones listing blood types, immunizations, surgical history, current medications, contact information, etc.. Yikes!

I'm on the first leg of the trip, heading to San Francisco, then Hong Kong, then finally Cambodia. Portland has already disappeared into the clouds.

It's a smooth flight; the sun is streaming in through the windows. Sheer exhaustion (after months of preparation and a few restless nights) had set in I was about to doze off when I came to the important (and embarrassing) realization that I forgot the forms. And my flashlight.

Insecurities are running rampant as I process the preceding 11 hours. A decision to remove a student from the Israel team due to behavioral issues that finally came to light during finals week. I was the one that brought it forward, and now she's been 'kicked off' the team. Also, news of my boss's job prospect in Michigan really threw me for a loop. I congratulated her on being in the final round and tried not to think about all the changes that could ensue in my 3 week absence from the office.

As I said my goodbyes in the office -- to my boss/mentor and to my dear friend who should have been on the trip with me, a zillion "what ifs?" and fears became the framework for a fountain of tears. I cried so hard. The rest of my team was already piling into the van and everything was loaded up. I hated that I had to face my team as their "fearless leader" with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. I felt so incompetent, facing parents who were entrusting me with the safety of their children. And I'm crying, having a hard time saying goodbye...

I am exhausted and the trip is just beginning. I'm in need of refreshment. My heart breaks for my friend who must stay at home. I need to process and rest. If only my mind would slow down... I am trying so hard not to fret about the medical forms.

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