Monday, September 13, 2010

Discipline - or lack thereof

Enough procrastinating.  Slowly and surely, I am going to catch up on my blog.

I can blame my blog-less-ness on several things; an intense summer, being out of the country, blah, blah, blah. I'm running out of excuses, and my friends are starting to get on my case which is exactly what I need!  (You know who you are.)

What it really boils down to, though, is my lack of discipine.  Discipline is something I admire about a lot of people in my life: working full time while pursuing a degree, (and let's be honest: just plain working), raising a family, keeping the house clean, etc.  Admittedly, the longer I've been unemployed, the more I find myself sitting at home with the clock ticking by, and lacking the desire to do anything productive.  I'm frustrated with myself (gah!  a mellow, piano song just came on in this coffee shop, and emotions are getting the best of me... fighting back tears) and this lack of drive, which (I hope) is uncharacteristic.

I've only been back in the country for 2 weeks, and 4 of those days were spent in Grants Pass with my family.  Paul is back at work, and I'm at home by myself.  We had such a crazy summer and I was so involved.  And, along with the returning of normalcy to the Bricknell household, discouragement has come right along with it.

Returning from Thailand consisted of 4 loads of laundry, back to cooking and cleaning, unloading and loading the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, taking care of the garden, etc.  These things occupy my time, yet occupy no place in my heart (although the garden has been a surprisingly enjoyable).  The other night, I put dinner on the table abruptly and my conversation was limited.  Poor Paul.  Of course, he asked what was wrong and I replied "I've been Suzy-homemaker all day and it's just really hard sometimes."  

I'm getting incredibly antsy to do something I love.  
To do something that brings me great purpose and joy.
To pass my time with something other than household 'musts.'

The funny thing is that I just got back from leading a mission trip to Thailand, which is right up my alley.  Maybe it sparked something in me that has got me missing a specified role.

And then a friend posted this link on Facebook, recognizing a career in Higher Education as one of the best careers of 2009... and then I came across this year's pictures of Walkabout and Res. Life staff bonding.

And then there was my recent trip to GFU to visit one of our youth group girls who is a Freshman this year.

I LONG for a job in higher education, and I can't have it here in Longview, which is where the Lord has us for now.  (It's not that I don't love volunteering with the youth ministry, and I do see fruit from those relationships.  It's just... different.)

I have never once regretted leaving NCU as the Area Residence Coordinator/Campus Pastor Assistant because it meant beginning a life with my partner and co-laborer in Christ: Paul.  I will never, ever regret that decision.

And so I continue to wrestle with my current reality and attitude.

Lord, help me.

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