Let it be known that I have been in a funk.
At least that's what I've been calling it, anyway.
Or maybe this is really me...trying to figure things out. Trying to get a handle on things. Trying to be ok.
My supervisor recently asked me how I process - if I am able to compartmentalize thoughts to process later, as though they are filed neatly into an organized card catalog system,
if I process things as they occur, one by one, day by day.
I think that up to this point, to a certain extent, I've compartmentalized. But now I have 6+months of stuff to deal with. Much of this 'stuff' has been piling up since I first began working at NCC.
And of course, all the life-changing happenings of Bolivia and everything in between: weddings, culture shock, unemployment, moving.
The compartments are full and I can't put it off any longer.
So now I'm processing.
The alphabetized card catalogs are bursting with what has yet to be visited. Some of it was briefly glossed over for the time being to address what I could in the present, and only now am I acknowledging their severity.
This is what I'm sorting out (in non-alphabetical order):
First real job. Planning for Cambodia. Leading Cambodia-prep meetings. No friends. New friends. Old friends. Boundaries. Personal life. Professional life. RAs who resigned. RAs who've let me down. Suicide attempts. Late nights. Underage drinking. Life outside of NCC. Burnt out. Mentoring. Doing my best. Eugene. Starting over. Being known. Feeling alone. Health issues. Being the boss. Speaking Truth. Speaking in chapel. Leading worship. Leading staff meetings. Teaching. Misunderstandings. Miscommunications. Christmas guests. Grace. Not enough grace. Love. Confrontation. Hard conversations. Feeling walked on. Confidence. My first gray hair. :) Boldness. Sex-trafficking. Mistakes. Living at work. Drama. Abuse. High expectations. Unrealistic expectations. Lowered expectations. The Holy Spirit. Gifts. Being called out. Patience. Authority. Different philosophies. Feeling like I should be older. Inadequacies. Counseling. Seminary.
These are my thoughts. I know I'm forgetting some. Some of them still linger from months ago. It does not mean I've forgotten or moved on. I've simply had to push them aside to make room for more.
I'm trying to process.
Please be patient with me.
Please don't confuse my funk with aloofness.
I am just trying to process.
I'm doing the best I can.