Sunday, September 9, 2007

Alive

Sitting on the carpet with my laptop in front of me, I look ahead. The side door to my apartment stands open, tempting me to visit the concrete patio of our tiny "veranda" which offers a stunning view of the parking lot. I imagine myself venturing outside, my bare feet soaking up the cool ground, the breeze gently awakening my senses and dancing through my freshly washed, untamed hair. I imagine the butterflies in my stomach spreading to my whole body where I uninhibitedly dance about, shouting at the top of my lungs, waving my arms above my head, letting the laughs erupt and the tears escape. It's a comical image that has been in my daydreams for a few weeks.

I feel alive. And I'm pleasantly surprised. :)

Very few things in my life make sense right now. I'm caught up in a perpetual state of searching - for where I belong, for a job, how to integrate the discomforts of Bolivia into the comforts of the United States, and how to find peace in the midst of so much tension. In this place of seeking, I'm keenly aware of my emotions. My senses are heightened. I am facing the challenges of sacrifice, abandonment, surrender, trust, and obedience. My faith is real.

Maybe it all makes more sense than I like to think.

If only the view of the parking lot weren't quite so grand (I'd much prefer a vast meadow, Tilikum Lake, a far away view of city lights, or a glorious mountain range), my neighbors not so near, and social norms not so restricting.

5 comments:

ryanmortinson said...

lots of opportunities in korea... hint hint...

Anonymous said...

You can come dance shout and flail your arms around in my backyard anytime! :) I love you, friend!!!

Amy said...

oops- I'm not 'anonymous'- it's Amy WOLFF! :)

Jamie said...

Some social norms are entirely overrated... : )
What you're learning IS hard, but good. Your foundation is solid, Girl. You're in training now for what's ahead. Through the difficulty of surrender, you'll find you're really just in spiritual "boot camp." The best -- and the test -- is yet to come. You've come a long way, El. What may feel like a time of drifting and uncertainly to you is still totally taken care of by your Creator. You're covered. Hang in there, Friend! : ) (I'm not saying anything you don't already know... just reminding you to encourage you. You're doing well!!)

Violet said...

You're so good at writing and piecing together your thoughts. And you have such a beautiful heart, El. I love you. Thanks for being my friend! =)