Monday, April 13, 2009

a funky week

Things are better now, but a few weeks ago, things felt funky/off/different/whatever you want to call it.

I first felt it on a Sunday night and dreaded going to work the next morning.
Sure enough, Monday morning felt like a Monday. And so did Tuesday. And Wednesday. And each subsequent day.

I didn't feel like myself. I lacked motivation and discipline. My job didn't excite me. My one on ones felt dull and lifeless. I ran out of questions to ask and things to talk about. The ones that usually run long ran 1/2 hour short. My mom even commented on my lack of drive as 'abnormal' so I knew it wasn't just me or a bad day.

Paul encouraged me to seek the Lord and reflect on what was making my days so difficult.

And so I cried out. And literally cried.
I realized I wasn't feeling fulfilled. I felt stuck, purposeless, and just. plain. tired. I thought of Bolivia - a place where I experienced similar emotions halfway through my time there, and yet I was absolutely convinced I was exactly where God wanted me to be. Right smack dab in the middle of His will for my life.

I know I've written about that feeling before - the longing to experience that certainty again. In the here and now. In the mundane, day in/day out, routine of it all. The present.

An RA shared a quote with me last week.. "today is a gift which is why it's considered the present" or something like that. I've been missing the gift of today.

I am thankful for good friends and good writers who blog more frequently than I and consequently give me something good to read when I am fresh out of words myself. Peter & Beth Smart's simple blog, Organic Fruit, reminded me that to practice the presence of God is enough (thank you, Brother Lawrence, too. His book is next on my "to read" list). Nothing matters as much as this.

And so, I am trying to practice the presence of God... in the present.
While still dreaming about the future and wondering about the past... and seeking answers for all the looming question marks about my near future.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oh El... I love you.